In a Hurry to Go Nowhere

Listen, I know you've been sucking the Dunkin' teat for 5 hours of caffeinated high time, but take a deep breath and look forward beyond the next 2 seconds of your life next time you're stopped & about to turn onto a new road.

If you pull out in front of me, and force me to brake, then you didn't have a gap large enough to accommodate a safe turn onto the new road. So now you have me tailgating your ass and shouting obscenities at you. And now, you're driving all sketchily because you're freaked out and hopped up with a crazy person behind you. How could this have been avoided?

Well, since behind me was a clear 1/2 mile of empty road and not a vehicle to speak of, perhaps you could have just taken an extra second and looked at the next gap instead of gunning out in front of me and forcing me to brake. But, no, you really needed to get to Wal-Mart for the big bottled water sale, so you could quench your hyper-caffeinated cotton mouth. So now you have a crazy person behind you, and, oh, what's that ahead? An f-ing red light! Well done! Glad you could get right out in front of me and beat me to that stop light! What a sense of urgency you have! You should be Tom Brady's backup. No, Tom Brady should be YOUR backup, because clearly you are on the ball and locked into the moment.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm hyper-caffeinated too. Cheers, and happy 4th. Now go "celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it."

Right Lane Passing Clarification ... From The Twilight Zone

I know I've covered the topic of slow people (literally and figuratively) driving in the left lane of an interstate freeway, but I haven't yet written about another Rhode Island staple: passing a vehicle on the right on an interstate freeway. On most trips up and down I-95 or I-295 in Rhode Island, I suddenly find myself in a parallel universe: a universe in which turn signals don't exist; a universe in which the norm is to pass vehicles on the right (despite plenty of space to do so on the left). In case I haven't made it abundantly clear, I don't care for that parallel universe called "The Rhode Island Motoring Experience," and in case you're shouting "Then move out of state already you elitist a-hole!" please go ahead and establish the Relocate Johnny Fund. As soon as you raise 100 grand (not the delicious candy bar, but I'll take one of those), send it on over, and the wife and I will call in the Gentle Giant and truck our butts to Boise. For now, though, let's get back to that Rhode Island Driver's Manual.

On page 23, find item "J. Passing Another Vehicle":

"• Passing a vehicle on the left:

On multiple lane highways, the law requires you to use the left lane to pass and the right lane for normal driving."

'Nuff said?

"But, Johnny, you're only doing half the job. You need to floss too, every day. Er, I mean, what about the next section: Passing a vehicle on the right?"

"Gosh, mister, my teeth feel cleaner!" I say. Er, uh, yeah let's talk about that next section (at the top of page 24).

"A driver may pass on the right of another vehicle only as follows:

1. When the motor vehicle ahead is making or about to make a left turn.

2. On a street or highway that is wide enough for two or more lanes of traffic with no obstructions and not occupied by parked vehicles.

3. On a one-way street or roadway wide enough for two or more lanes of traffic and free of obstructions or parked vehicles."

Finally! Some good ol' fashioned Rhode Island legal ambiguity!

Please debate this in the comments section, but I read the section to mean that condition 1 MUST be met as a basis for any pass on the right. Beyond the necessary motor vehicle ahead that is making or about to make a left turn, you MUST have enough room to the right of said vehicle to safely fit. I.E., You must be able to realistically imagine (there's a wonderful oxymoron), or should I say "conservatively imagine," a lane wide enough to accommodate your vehicle's passing of the car making the left turn. Furthermore, you can't use your imagination to rid reality of that huge f-ing orange pylon (A.K.A. "Snirk" or "Snoil" in my family), baby carriage, or broken-down Hummer that blocks your path past the car making the left turn. Condition 3 is redundant to condition 2, so just ignore it.

Although technically arguable, condition 2 does not intend to give you permission to pass cars on the right on a multiple-lane road, highway, or freeway, as Section J already told you not to do so. Let's compromise with this: It's ok to pass left lane travellers on the right ONLY after giving those travellers reasonable time to move over to the right and allow you to pass properly on the left. Let them know you're behind them. Give them a headlight flash, and wait 3 seconds. Make sure they're not in the process of passing. All I ask is that you at least encourage people to drive correctly before you yourself bend the rules. Be an activist driver, and, above all, DON'T WEAVE RECKLESSLY BETWEEN VEHICLES. You're not impressing anyone, douche nozzle.

Other Parking Lot Debacles

Given: All contracts for parking lot design in Rhode Island are given to the children of local, well-connected gentlemen who think their sons and daughters are the next Frederick Law Olmsted, or Guo Pu, just because those sons and daughters can navigate through the complex scenery of Grand Theft Auto. "Yeah, Mr. Mayor, Rocco Jr. here has a real knack for transportation. I'll give you $50,000 for your reelection campaign if you give my company the contract to build Rocco Jr.'s design for the Smithfield Commons parking lot. Just look at the wonderful work he did on devising the traffic patterns in the Providence Place Mall parking garage."

For those loyal readers outside of Rhode Island, go ahead and infer that those two parking scenarios are the biggest clusterf-s in a state notorious for transportation clusterf-s.

Yes, the baseline is very low for an ideal parking lot experience in Rhode Island, so please salvage what you can. For starters, please don't travel THROUGH open parking spaces like you're in a g-damn demolition derby. Stick to the traveling lanes while navigating to your desired parking spot. I can't tell you how many times I've nearly been clipped by drivers cutting across rows of parking spaces on their way to a spot.

Second, when leaving a spot, go ahead and pretend that you're on a two-way street. Back out far enough so you can drive past me on my left. This isn't merry ol' England. We don't have nationalized health care that will take great care of me after you ram into me head-on. I'm not given a month of paid recovery time, so just pretend that you're on a regular road when driving down parking lanes, and I won't have to burden my crappy health insurance company with claims inflicted by your stupid, limey-wannabe ass.

Third, there is a time and a place to stop and hover in anticipation of a departing shopper's parking space, and that time and place is NOT on the one-way, up-ramp of a busy parking garage when 50 cars are behind you at Christmas time. Just keep going. That space will go to the lucky person who's approaching AS the departing shopper starts to back out of his/her space. While you sit there for 3 minutes as the departing shopper opens her trunk, puts her bags away, straps the lad into the car seat, and adjusts her bra, you could have parked in an equally decent space somewhere upward. Beyond that, you wouldn't have infuriated the 50 (and counting) drivers behind you. Let's agree on this rule: while traveling upward on a one-way ramp in a busy parking garage, a departing shopper's space goes to the upward traveller who arrives at the space as the departing shopper starts to back out of his/her space.

Finally, if for some reason you can't take the extra 20 seconds out of your life to push your empty cart into the parking lot's empty cart repository, or if there is no empty cart repository, then park your empty cart in the following manner: place it PARALLEL to your car directly on top of the four-corner cross of the adjacent parking spaces. Then, after placing it, wait 3 seconds to make sure that it does not roll out of that position. Do not place it haphazardly in the middle of the empty parking space next to you. In fact, if you can't place it parallel to your car directly on top of the four-corner cross of the adjacent parking spaces, then burn off some of that Big Mac and return the cart to the front of the store.

Your non-nepotistic, conscientious fellow motorists thank you in advance.

Oh, and one more thing. Why on Earth did the state and/or city of Smithfield and/or Rocco Sr. pay to have the Route 44 East exit ramp off 295 Southbound pulled back one hundred lousy feet? It did not make the intersection at the entrance of Smithfield Commons any easier. You still have through-drivers crossing desperately to get to the left lane on 44, and you still have shoppers crossing madly into the right lane to get to the Commons. They should have constructed an on/off ramp that would have flowed traffic directly between 295 and the parking lot – bypassing 44 completely. "I think the audience would agree with me on that one."

I hope, as it is the state motto.

I'll Take Another Half-baked, R.I. Parking Lot Idea, and a Coke, Please

Here's a new and idiotic phenomenon that only a Rhode Islander would dare conceive: the two-lane drive-thru (at the Lincoln Mall McDonald's). I'm not talking about the efficient, "both-sides-of-the-building-have-independent-drive-thru-windows" drive-thru, I'm talking about the cluster-f, "both-lanes-end-up-at-the-same-window-after-placing-orders-at-two-separate-intercoms" drive-thru.

What is the point? As both lanes converge at the same window, the McD's is going to end up servicing the same number of people that it would have serviced using one lane. The second lane only adds confusion, frustration, and the possibility of incident to the drive-thru equation. Of course, there's the argument: "But the McDonald's would be able to process twice as many orders." Bullshit.

Let's say McDonald's WAS able to process twice as many orders. Those orders would just end up bottlenecked at the window, as you would have two orders ready for every one car at the window. Moreover, if one gargantuan, complex, "I-have-four-morbidly-obese-teenagers-in-the-back-of-my-minivan" order preceded four easy "fries-and-a-Coke" orders, you'd have a backlog of lower-quality, soggy fries and watered-down Cokes. Then, you would have lower customer satisfaction, then you would have less business, then you would have to dismantle and sell off your expensive, second drive-thru intercom. It's a hideous, downward business spiral, but I haven't mentioned the worst part yet: the inevitable injustice of assigning car priority at the order intercoms.

True story: I stopped at the aforementioned McDonald's 10 days ago. As I turned the corner at the rear of the building, I noticed the new, dual-drive-thru-lanes scheme. Seeing a motorist backing out of the outside lane and stopping to talk on his cell phone, I opted for the inside lane. A motorist was already at the inside intercom placing his order. The outside lane remained empty. The motorist in front of me (let's call him Gil), finished placing his order, but could not pull forward, as a car was in front of him. The outside lane remained empty. The car in front of Gil pulled forward, but Gil, probably a green light sloth, sat there adjusting his crotch for 3 seconds, allowing just enough time for a car to pull up to the outside lane intercom (this was not the original, cell phone car). While I was shouting obscenities at Gil, Gil finally got his junk in order and pulled forward. I arrived at the inside lane intercom, and got a "just a moment please" from the speaker. I turned to my right and saw the guy at the outside lane intercom finish his order & start to pull forward to a position behind Gil.

Ready to go off like a neutron bomb, I instantly boycotted the McDonald's, threw Rusty (my car) into reverse, and sped off to the adjacent Stop & Shop for muffins. You lose, McDonald's. You might as well put that outside intercom on Craigslist now, 'cause Stop & Shop makes a mean Raisin Bran muffin.

The Incomplete Guide to Complete Stops

Here's what the (gulp) Rhode Island Division of Motor Vehicles Driver's Manual says regarding four-way stops:

Follow these procedures when at an intersection with a four-way stop:

• Once stopped, you must yield to all other vehicles that were stopped prior to your arrival at the stop sign.

• Once having stopped, all other vehicles arriving at the intersection after you must yield the right of way to you.

• If two vehicles arrive at the intersection at the same time, you must yield the right of way to the vehicle on your right.

• As always, being courteous and respectful will help prevent dangerous situations and make the roadways safer for all drivers.

(Whew!) That was surprisingly concise and precise. Of course, to paraphrase Seinfeld: You know how to read the procedures, you just don't know how to follow the procedures. And that's really the most important part of the procedures: the following. Anybody can just read 'em. 

What's sad is that you DON'T read the procedures, Rhode Islanders, for if you READ the procedures, you would know that in order to expedite your trip, you wouldn't race through a four-way stop, you would race to the four-way stop. And by "race to," I don't mean you should speed up to the intersection and stop short, I mean that you should strive to be the first vehicle to come to a complete stop (yes, at your stop line) at the intersection. Then, the world would be your oyster, especially if someone then fails to yield to you, crashes into you, and gives you a mild concussion that prevents you from getting to the big meeting, at which you would have closed the Johnson account and made the company 4.6 million dollars. 

A Positive, One Week Anniversary Nugget

One great thing about living in Rhode Island is this: You seldom find yourself more than 10 minutes away from any needed service. Furthermore, if heaven is having options at hand, then consider yourself a saint if you live between Warwick and Woonsocket. I frequent 4 grocery stores, 2 movie theaters, 2 Targets, and 4.6 million or so Dunkin' Donuts locations. There. Now increase, property values, so I can sell my condo and get the f- out of here.

Johnny "and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad" Drivers

Keith Olbermann has his "Worst Person in the World," I have my "Worst Drivers on the Road." Who are they? They are the perpetrators of the most infamous road annoyance of all. They are the dreaded Green Light Sloths.

If I don't notice you at all, you are a most likely a good driver. If you don't obstruct me, and don't waste my & other motorists' time, you are most likely a good driver. The green light sloths immediately fail those two litmus tests. Picture this: You are in a long line of vehicles at a left turn stop light. You know that when the light turns green, you are going to have a very limited time to get through the intersection. The light turns green, and the person at the front of the line remains stopped for three seconds. What could this person possibly be doing? If it's a man, perhaps he's adjusting his sack. Now that's fine, just NOT WHEN YOU'RE FIRST IN LINE AT A STOP LIGHT WITH A LINE OF VEHICLES BEHIND YOU. YOU HAVE ONE JOB: GET THROUGH THE INTERSECTION AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE, SO THE PEOPLE BEHIND YOU CAN DO THE SAME. The person in front has gotten everyone's attention. Strike one. He/She has decreased the chances of the motorists behind him/her making the light, and wasted their time. Strike two. He/She doesn't get a third strike, because he/she sucks.

AS IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH: The person in front has finally gotten his junk in working order, and has progressed through the intersection, but the person second in line thinks that he/she is going 70 on the highway, and creates a 3 second gap between him/herself and the first person. YOU'RE GOING 2 MILES PER HOUR, YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAINTAIN A LARGE GAP. This is the one time that we will all encourage you to tailgate, but you have failed, and you are as bad a green light sloth as the first person.

In summary, I think you get the idea. Just go on green. You have the power to improve the lives of so many stuck behind your lackadaisical ass. Just watch the light, and go on green. Thank you in advance.