Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Johnny "and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad" Drivers

Keith Olbermann has his "Worst Person in the World," I have my "Worst Drivers on the Road." Who are they? They are the perpetrators of the most infamous road annoyance of all. They are the dreaded Green Light Sloths.

If I don't notice you at all, you are a most likely a good driver. If you don't obstruct me, and don't waste my & other motorists' time, you are most likely a good driver. The green light sloths immediately fail those two litmus tests. Picture this: You are in a long line of vehicles at a left turn stop light. You know that when the light turns green, you are going to have a very limited time to get through the intersection. The light turns green, and the person at the front of the line remains stopped for three seconds. What could this person possibly be doing? If it's a man, perhaps he's adjusting his sack. Now that's fine, just NOT WHEN YOU'RE FIRST IN LINE AT A STOP LIGHT WITH A LINE OF VEHICLES BEHIND YOU. YOU HAVE ONE JOB: GET THROUGH THE INTERSECTION AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE, SO THE PEOPLE BEHIND YOU CAN DO THE SAME. The person in front has gotten everyone's attention. Strike one. He/She has decreased the chances of the motorists behind him/her making the light, and wasted their time. Strike two. He/She doesn't get a third strike, because he/she sucks.

AS IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH: The person in front has finally gotten his junk in working order, and has progressed through the intersection, but the person second in line thinks that he/she is going 70 on the highway, and creates a 3 second gap between him/herself and the first person. YOU'RE GOING 2 MILES PER HOUR, YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAINTAIN A LARGE GAP. This is the one time that we will all encourage you to tailgate, but you have failed, and you are as bad a green light sloth as the first person.

In summary, I think you get the idea. Just go on green. You have the power to improve the lives of so many stuck behind your lackadaisical ass. Just watch the light, and go on green. Thank you in advance.

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